People have heard the rumors, I’m sure. I’m sure the one or two people reading this post have experienced it in one way or another – but I’m going to introduce you to the Presley way of handling black Friday. First, the cast:
Mom – Head organizer of all. Handler of all newspaper ads, co-ordinater of schedules and rides and overall head boss.
Abby – Co-organizer. Sister of all sorts of deals and writer of lists.
Lydia – Resident sleepy-head, robot and chauffeur of Candace.
Candace – 14 year old drama queen – lead sprinter
Alec – 18 year old linebacker type – good for big stuff
Dad – Older and wiser linebacker type – lets Alec do the big stuff.
Time: In the wee small hours of the morning sometime between 1am and 5am.
Candace and Lydia are standing outside of Kohl’s Department Store with instructions to grab two 7″ portable dvd players and numerous toys. Huge deals, must not fail. They are third in line and freezing their tushes off (Lydia especially because it’s laundry day and all she has to wear is a sweatshirt, a jean skirt (no socks) and slippers).
Mom and Abby are outside of the mall – having been told that the Disney Store will open at 4:30 a.m. and the mall police firmly stating that they will not open the mall doors until 5a.m.
Dad and Alec have pulled Wal-Mart duty. Need I say more (but at least they get the warm inside to wait in).
Kohl’s Department Store:
Candace and Lydia are third in line and waiting anxiously as the doors are unlocked. Candace mentions something about knowing she’s about to die in Kohl’s. The doors are unlocked. Lydia has mentioned to Candace that Candace may need to sprint for the players. Candace insists that power-walking will do.
Candace’s Mission: The DVD players
Lydia’s Mission: The Toys.
Candace makes a beeline for the DVD players, by-passing the cart and making it to the back left corner of the store with one other person along side of her – her old librarian at school (they only powerwalked about 3 seconds, then broke into a run as they saw the people behind them start to sprint). They are intercepted by another man who grabs the first of 50 dvd players off the stack. Candace then grabs two and spins around to see the mass descending upon her. The librarian hits her shoulder and says “Run”. And the horde descends.
A large, frizzy haired, blonde woman immediately ascertains that Candace is the weakest of her prey and thumps the top box held in Candace’s arms attempting to dislodge at least one of the players. It promptly drops to the floor and Candace promptly drops and sits on it. The frizzy haired woman is then chased away by a Kohl’s associate.
Meanwhile . . .
Mom and Abby are impatiently waiting outside. The mall cop has been called over to Sears to break up two skirmishes that have occurred and has been called over to Circuit City across the street to help break up several more then.
(By the way – how funny is it that people are getting into fights before they even get to the merchandise. I picture those fights as happening like this:
Shopper 1: I can’t wait to get 3 of those laptop computers.
Shopper 2: Uh, you better not take the last three because I promised my wife I’d bring home at least one.
Shopper 1: Well I’m in front of you moron, and I plan on taking as many as I can get my hands on!
Shopper 2: Oh yeah? Well.. if I knock you out of commission first then you won’t get any and I won’t get the doghouse!)
Alec and Dad have discovered that all of the merchandise is already out on the floor. However, it is wrapped tighter than duct tape on a tailpipe with plastic wrap. They are unable to make out any of the merchandise.
Alec’s Mission: 20″ flat screen TV’s.
Dad’s Mission: Ice Hockey Table
Alec stands in line for 45 minutes. There are two lines formed. One for the TV’s, one for another electronic device. Alec watches as a woman goes to the front of the line to ascertain which line is for which item, then comes back and takes her place in the line opposite Alec while informing her son that she verified it was the TV line. Alec almost cries.
“I’ve been standing in this line for 45 minutes thinking it was the TV line!” he says.
“Well, I don’t really want one so fine, take a spot in front of me”, the woman replied – and apparently not in a very kind manner. It was probably sarcasm, but Alec took her up on her offer.
The line begins to move. All six 20″ TV’s are immediately snatched up – three of them to the first family in the line. Bummer.
End of Part 1 of Black Friday.